The romance doesn’t have to die…

The romance doesn't have to die…after 31 years of marriage, my Dad and Mum still have an incredibly romantic relationship which is such a great example tome and just lovely to see...

Romance can be defined as; thinking or behaving in a romantic manner. To court or woo someone or to have a love affair with someone... [http://www.answers.com/topic/romance]

Courting (courtship) is the art of try to gain the love or affections of a woman, especially to seek to marry. Or to attempt to gain the favor of by attention or flattery [http://www.answers.com/topic/court]

Wooing is defined as seeking the affection of someone with intent to romance. To seek to achieve; try to gain affections; or to entreat, solicit, or pursue.  To court a woman [http://www.answers.com/topic/woo]

These definitions put butterflies in my stomach at the thought of long walks on the beach, a long stem red rose, a love poem, and a mixed tape of love songs or serenading from a loved one…romance…what a wonderful thought! In my experience of dating and courtship I discovered the importance of romance at the very beginning. The first romantic gesture I received was a lovely lunch, a dozen long stemmed roses and a box of chocolate on Valentine’s Day; poetry, perfume (Montana and Splendor being favorites I still buy and wear today), shopping trips, movies, walks in parks and mixed tapes when I was at school (don’t tell my parents!)

In my adult life, looking back over the years I can identify three particular acts or romantic gestures that brought me to tears and are second to none; the first being a young man serenading me (he sang ‘When a man loves a woman’); the second was receiving poetry…there is nothing like someone sitting down with a pen and paper, in their own handwriting, expressing how much you mean to them…Finally,  receiving a get well pack in the post when I was sick (this contained a hot water bottle, hot chocolate, medicine and a few other bits to cheer me up). I have heard of a girl whose boyfriend took her to the Leaning Tower of Pisa and proposed at the top and there are many more where that came from…Over all the stories I have heard and experienced myself, the very best ones are always the ones that don’t require great expenditure but a great use of heart and imagination and also a test of one’s own limits and stretching one’s abilities…

My parents fly the flag on romance for me…For as long as I can remember, my parents have always made the romance in their marriage a priority and no it was not easy because from the first day they met, they had four children and as they went along my brother and I added to the brood (not quite the environment for romance!). Needless to say my parents had to be creative and make a conscious effort to make time for their love affair with each other…any they did. I remember when I was younger how my dad would take my mum away for their wedding anniversary, her birthday and then she would for his, and vacations too! As a child I did not understand why they would go on holiday without us, even on the occasions when they would only go out for a night (dinner and stay over in a nice hotel). However now I am older and I understand the vital importance of romance in a relationship. I am really grateful to my parents for this powerful example of this key ingredient (romance) in keeping the fire burning in relationships.

Romance is not just the big expressions and vacations and gifts on particular days…no, my parents are both as involved and as committed as each other to keep the romance alive in their relationship. It is in their day to day lives; being considerate of each other, listening to and respecting one another, doing the little things that make the daily challenges of life and work seem less troublesome and more bearable. They support and encourage one another and work together as a team and I think that this is just as if not, more romantic than a getaway to an exotic location.

So romance is not for the rich with disposable incomes but for everyday people who study one another, grow together, learn how the other wants to be loved and make themselves available to love the other in that way… More than any, when it comes to living out your love, this is the greatest expression of romantic love and everything else is just the icing on the cake!

Thirty – one years on at the ‘ripe young age’ of 71, my dad this week planned a romantic getaway for my mum’s birthday (14^th) and kept it a big secret! On Monday she told me that all he said was to take time off work because he was taking her away, and she sounded so excited and giddy not unlike a school girl with a crush, it was lovely to hear and I was so proud yet again at how my dad continues to woo and court my mum after all these years…I am therefore convinced that romance is not just for the pre-marital state of  courtship, but it is something that can be a part of a long lasting and committed marriage relationship if those involved give romance its rightful place in that relationship as my parents do. Furthermore, there is a need for every man to recognise that wooing the heart of a woman is a lifetime activity and not just a phase in the process of courtship; many a young man could learn a thing or two from my dad!

P.S Happy Birthday Mum! x

My confidence… by Rudo Nyangulu

My confidence is not in you;

Sweet talker with your sweet nothings,

Whispered in hopes that I will scream your name out loud,

Your smooth operation designed to make me melt…

I see you move and shake,  you can’t hide your agenda

Trying to steal my heart so you can have the wrapping too, its true;

Oh no, my confidence is definitely not in you!

My confidence is not in you ‘Mr Benjamin’,

Pursuing you has only brought trouble not the power you promise,

 Nor is it in you, your Majesty, not even for a valley full of your red fifties,

No matter how many of your portraits I collect there is no change within,

And your portrait on paper that seems to spontaneously combust,

Leaving me broke once more, all broken up too…

No, no, no my confidence is not in you!

My confidence is much higher than what you perceive,

It may not seem like much on the surface,

A couple of blood stained planks and a few nails…

Yet in this is my confidence before wealth and man,

For the blood you see is not just any blood you see,

It is holy blood that has power and hope…

The same blood you will find stained on my heart since i first beleived;

The ever faithful blood,

The eternal blood

The SALVATION bringing blood,

My confidence lies right here…  so you see, I know I am free…

And have great confidence indeed!

Copyright (c) Rudo Nyangulu 2010. All rights reserved.

There is no substitute for quality -- Part 2 of 2

PhotoFriday Challenge contribution to 'Best Friends' 

QUALITY for our purposes here is defined as the significance (worth); value; importance one places on something or someone: value of relationships.

‘Mankind has been designed to be relational and cannot exist successfully outside relationship. This is not an optional state of being but one that is in the very foundation of who we are...no man is an island or can exist unto himself alone.’

The best way to describe the human need for relationship is to say that relationship is to man as vitamin D from the sun is to skin…we need it! The real question is how we form relationships and the motives that are behind this process. If you enter into a relationship, for example a marriage because you seek security, self worth, the need to own another human being, happiness…you will measure that relationship based on whether or not you get these things. When you deem the relationship to be failing, what you are really saying is that these things that you entered into the relationship for are not being delivered, or at least not to the standard, timing, value to which you initially signed up to receive ( it is no wonder that so many marriages end in divorce!). “Your outlook with determine the quality of your relationships”

Many people I have spoken to say they pick friends based on mutual interests or complementary personality traits or because they find qualities in that person that will be in some way indirectly or directly beneficial to them. For example; forging a friendship with someone who is better in social settings than you are, gives you the advantage of exposure without having to necessarily risk putting yourself out there. This sums up the way in which many people view one another in relationships whether on a conscious or subconscious level. We are selective of whom we confide in, who we depend on, who we spend time with and ultimately who we share the moments of our lives with. We do this because as people we are inherently selfish therefore we approach relationships from the perspective of our needs and wants rather than what we have to offer. This is where the concept of a ‘self-centred’ universe comes into play… We view the world from our point of view and therefore we evaluate our relationships based on what we identify we receive from them (our expectations). No matter how nice we are as people, when it comes to our own person, self preservation determines that we perceive all things from the vantage point that is best for us. Does this make us bad? No I think it makes us human…where we become accountable, is when we recognise this about ourselves and continue…

The reality is that we do measure (judge) our relationships periodically and this is done on the basis of the perceived benefits or liabilities to our own person. Our unrealistic and often unreasonable needs and wants which we impose on those we are in relationships with in the form of expectations, are more often than not, the cause of these relationships ‘failing’. Surely this form of measure or gauge of a relationship (consciously or sub-consciously) is wholly inaccurate at best because it denotes that our ‘value system’ is based on selfish / self centred motivations.

Having this entirely introverted view or approach to our relationships leave them emotionally bankrupt from constant withdrawals. I dare say that a relationship is two people, if the quality of one relationship is lower than another, the wise thing to do indubitably, is to look for the constant in both relationships to find the route cause? Under the scrutiny of a magnifying glass, I am sure the constant you will find is YOU! So if you have ever wondered what makes you consider ‘Jack’ to be the go to guy and ‘Janet’ the unreliable flake, or ‘Suzie’ the agony aunt and ‘Paul’ the proverbial ‘Philistine’, I hope you have gained some insight here...

If we fail to see every person’s intrinsic value and we do not choose to esteem others above self, entering into relationships based on what we can give not what we can gain, surely we set up the relationship to fail? What it boils down to is love… and not the kind of love that comes from the same ‘self centred outlook’ that causes us to look at , ‘what are they’ doing’ to prove they love me? If we are to have genuine quality relationships, then our measure must be what do ‘I give’, ‘how do I support’, ‘how do I love’ the other person. This has to be a conscious decision based on the understanding that a relationship is only as successful as you are willing to leave ‘self’ out of it and pursue the best interests of the other person over yours. It begins with one simple step, make a conscious decision to put the same premium on all your relationships because they do not exist to satisfy you in some way but to gratify the other.

The best example I can think of is God Himself…the bible says that God is not a ‘respecter of persons’, what this means is that God does not value us based on what we give Him (or some of us would be in big trouble!) but He value’s us from the basis that He loves us, and loves us equally ‘without preference’. Imagine with me if you will, a world in which everyone’s concern was for another not self…surely we would ultimately achieve from relationships what we naturally seek in our selfish nature, because everyone around you is seeking to give you love you don’t deserve as you seek to give it to others…

Desire a purpose greater than 'SELF'.

This is my pastor and his wife...amazing 'God' people!

“I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle.” Jane Austen

It is fair to say that most of us can identify with Jane Austen’s quotation on selfishness. We do not deliberately rise each day scheming about how we are going to gain our own advantage over that of another and make the world spin in the direction we so choose, but we are often negligent of others in pursuit of our own happiness and comfort. 


To be SELFISH is to be; devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. This is characterized by or exemplified by the manifesting concern or care only for oneself: ‘selfish motives’. [http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/selfish].

The reality is that most of us are, “in principle” very caring and very much concerned about our fellow man. We all get moved by visual depictions of starving children in Africa, we all disagree with senseless wars and destructive behavior and we all care (to some extent) about the inheritance we will leave for the next generation (environment) so it’s not really ‘all about me!’ is it? If we consider the description of what it actually means to be selfish (above) we will quickly see a mirror to our own actions and often motives. Mankind is innately selfish by nature, dare I say that seeking your own needs above all is like breathing or eating, we do it because we believe that we must if we are to get ahead or survive (the ‘who will take care or look out for me syndrome’.  

 “Human history is the sad result of each one looking out for himself.” Julio Cortazar

As sad as it is to admit, Cortazar was spot on when he made this statement, we need only consider Napoleon, Shaka Zulu, Hitler, The British Empire in colonization mode, America’s war on Iraq; the list could go on and on but the one pattern we see in all these different events and leaders is that they all began their campaigns from the position of ‘me or we’ need to do… in order to secure…for ‘me, us’ and so on. It is a sad state of affairs when the world we live in is reduced to a play ground fight over who gets to play on the swing first! Ironically, the selfishness displayed in a park or playground by 2,3,4, and 5 year olds is the same selfishness that remains in us until  we become adults and likewise motivated, we wage war, break hearts, steal, destroy, lie, cheat for the exact same reason,  one child pushes another child off a swing and into the dirt with a grazed knee…

In all this selfishness and generally dire state of affairs there is hope… Unsung heroes and heroines who live a live not unto themselves but for others. Ready and willing to sacrifice self for another’s benefit if the need arises… This takes me back to my childhood when my parents would make us go with them on their crusades to serve and help those less fortunate and in need. I remember many a Christmas season of taking old clothes and food to children who lived on the streets of Harare, planting trees in Orphanages where a playground hand me constructed for the children and on and on. As a child I thought my parents were nuts! Instead of buying us new toys they would give to the poor and make us help! Year after year attending various Rotary meetings, fundraising dinners and visiting projects, it drove me crazy then because I found it boring (no I am not exempt from selfishness) but as I grew up I realised that my initial thoughts were not always so instinctively about myself and often I would leave myself in a fix if it meant I could help someone in need which gives me hope that selfishness, though a natural element of mankind can be trained out of the heart… I started to ponder on this yesterday as I witnessed something entirely extraordinary and amazingly selfless! A lady who came to my church last September and gave her life to Jesus and subsequently moved away last November (though kept in touch) fell into some difficult times that meant she was unable to look after her daughter. Out of the blue she called my pastor and his wife last week and said that she needed help looking after her daughter as she could not for the time being and they said yes and took her daughter into their family home that very day.

What I have not told you is that the little girl is four and a half months old and that my pastor and his wife have three of their five children living at home with them (two under ten) and they are expecting another baby in about 7 weeks! So you can imagine this was not as simple as having another self sufficient child in the house able to play with the other children and feed and dress herself and go to sleep at bedtime and stay asleep through the night, she is tiny and needs love and constant attention and wakes up in the middle of the night and does all the things that a baby does.  Their willingness to take on such an enormous responsibility even for a short time at this late stage in pregnancy and with a growing church to minister to and all that family life entails…this proves beyond all measure that selfishness is a choice not a condition afflicted upon us! I am sure as they said yes their hearts sank momentarily at the thought of the extra work involved in caring for a child so young…yet with open arms and a genuine desire to have her (all you need to do is see them play with her and cuddle her and talk to her to see the love they have already extended to this little baby in just four short days of having her) they took her in and care for her as if she were their own…the difference in my parents’ lives and indeed my pastor and his wife’s lives is the presence of Jesus, inspiring and challenging them to live beyond themselves, the driving force behind all of their selfless actions.

Selfishness is most certainly a choice…and Jesus, the best example and teacher of how we can make the choice of SELFLESNESS and still be fulfilled and happy!